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Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What are you going to do with all of those?" The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them, and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the centre of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head. Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?" The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it, as when you are in it.