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A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What are you going to do with all of those?" The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them, and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the centre of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head. Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?" The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."
If you're born in September, it's pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!
I have gotten out of a bed 365 times a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And no abs to show for it...