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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face". I said, "You'll be sorry". He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Just heard that in the next year there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.
A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What are you going to do with all of those?" The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them, and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the centre of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head. Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?" The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."