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A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and the brunette sees her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril. He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well." The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?" Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu: You get what you deserve.
"I never had hips. It's because I don't have kids. Everybody tells me that once I have a kid, I'll grow some hips. That's cool, but what do you do with the kid?"